Wednesday, March 7, 2012

A new CITY, but no PLACE


It’s been two months since I decided to change my life via a change of location.  I said goodbye to the Colombian coast and moved into the center of the country, to a small city called Bucaramanga.  I feel like the wind must have carried me here because, now, after just 2 short months, I can’t remember why I decided to re-create my life here.  When people ask me, I always answer “I wanted to experience life in another region of Colombia” and while that’s true, it doesn’t really answer the question “Why Bucaramanga?” 

During my year in Cartagena, I had felt alienated by the tourism there.  My appearance immediately caused me to be associated with a group that knows and understands very little about life in Cartagena.  While I wanted to be accepted as a part of the community, I felt myself separated by unseen barriers from everyone else.  I felt a push to look for a place where I could actually belong.  Sending out my résumé to various schools, institutes and universities around the country, I received a job offer in Bucaramanga that sounded appealing and, fearing being deported after my visa expired, I accepted the offer.  Then, in my last 2 months in Cartagena I found the connection to the community that I had been longing for.  I met people that while they weren’t senseless to my foreignness, they were still sensible that that was only one aspect of who I am.  The timing couldn’t have been worse.  My decision to leave had already been made.  The day I left Cartagena, I felt like my heart would break.  Even the excitement of visiting a new place couldn’t drown my sadness for leaving a place (and people) that I had begun to love. 

My first several weeks here were miserable.  Even though I desperately wanted to like my new home, my heart was unwilling to accept it.  Instead of seeing the beauty and the lovely aspects of life here, I just mourned the differences between here and the coast.  I remember feeling waves of nostalgia hit me and take the air out of my lungs.  Crying was a regular part of my daily routine.  But now, while I still wonder why the wind carried me here, I have learned to appreciate this new city and new life.  The people are polite, the city is well-organized and clean, the weather is perfect, my job is fun and very low-stress, my co-workers are sweet and funny, and my housemates seem to enjoy my company as much as I enjoy theirs. 

But even though everything seems to be going well in my life, lately I’ve felt lost, out of place, and without direction.  I haven’t been doing the things I imagined myself doing when I came to Colombia. My dream was to work with disadvantaged teenagers, find ways to encourage them, help them define and outline their goals and make good decisions so that they can reach them.  It seems so simple and yet the logistics of it aren’t.  There are few points where my life crosses with the lives of kids in difficult situations.  We’re in the same city, but we belong to different worlds.  Even if we had a reason for interacting, why should they listen to me, believe what I say about them and their potential, or accept my advice?  My solution to this dilemma has been to use English as a door into their lives.  As a volunteer English teacher I have a chance to speak to them from a position of authority, develop trust with them, support them in their problems and encourage them in their dreams.  At least that’s the idea.  But it’s been two months and I’ve been too caught up in my own stuff (visas, work, housing, friends, etc) to dedicate myself to finding a school that will accept my offer.  I’ve been ME-focused.  And now that my situation is comfortable, I wonder “Is this it?  Is this what I’ve been working for: a comfortable life?  Don’t I want something more?  To contribute in some way to making the world a better place?  To help those who haven’t been as fortunate as me?”  And I make myself a cup of coffee (the best coffee in the world!) and make plans about how SOON I will start doing the things that say I came to do…

In the last 2 months, I've...

-traveled to Venezuela to get a Colombian work visa

-changed houses 3 times

-spent about 200 hours Skype-ing with people back home and friends from Cartagena

-developed the perfect quick-fix lunch (turkey sandwich with lettuce, tomato, mayonaise and mustard)

-rediscovered that true friends are there when you need them, even if you had selfishly abandoned them for a while

-taught 5 groups at the Colombo (Level 3A, Level 4, Level 8, Conversation 2 and Conversation 3)

-lost my cellphone and dropped my new cellphone about 15 times

-felt perfect, inexpressable happiness followed by deep, soul-shattering pain

-started and (temporarily) stopped learning Portuguese

-crashed a free university dance class for students (I attend every Thursday, and I think everyone knows but nobody says anything...)

-experienced, momentarily, what life is like in a small Colombian town

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And the odds are good that tomorrow will bring new experiences, new frustrations, more opportunities to screw-up, learn, grow, and continue questioning..........................




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